The Devil’s Words & Mental Health (1.2.21 Update)

Hey there, friends. I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve last uploaded... honestly, it’s been a rocky road. However, we made it to January! 2021 represents the beginning of a new period of time - this is the year of the Lord. Let us take a moment and pray to Jesus for the path ahead.

Lord, thank you so much for all that You have done. 2020 was a rough year - from the COVID-19 pandemic quarantine lockdown to our spiraling economic state, it was definitely a bumpy ride. This being said, it gave everyone a time of clarity: a time to meditate and an opportunity to take this storm and use it to grow closer to You. Lord, thank you for all that You have done and in Jesus’ name, I ask that You continue to fight this COVID-19 battle for us. In this new year of 2021, please go before us and fight for us every step of the way. Bless every person and let those who have faith in You continue to prosper and grow in this season of life. Thank you, Lord. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Anyways ladies, welcome to the Turning Heads Blog: a welcoming online space for growth and, yes, intimate revelations about where I stand in my walk with the Lord. Honestly, this season has been a... rowdy one. I have really had to hone in on my trust in God - lately, it’s felt like everything I know has been pulled out from under me and I just need to fall back into the Lord and His Word and His promises. Yet even as I practice this, I am not entirely closed away. The devil still finds a way to whisper into my ear... every anxiety, every depression, every single thought that reminds that I am not worthy.

Mental health, in recent years becoming more of an open topic, is one of the hardest battles to face. It comes in many forms, each being the devil in a different shadowed mask. It is the enemy who leads you to overthink, to push you to feel abandoned, unwanted and walked-out-on. It is the adversary who forces you to assume that you’re not enough, that your mistakes define you. It is the devil who heaps on the shame, the guilt, the jealousy that eats away at your insides and the toxic thoughts that consume your mind.

My mental health has been on a downward spiral - and as a direct result, this blog has suffered. The devil tells me that I am not enough, that I need to be better to be truly loved - and so, I pile more on to my plate until I am so burnt out that I can’t even muster the strength to get out of bed. The devil whispers to me that I am alone, that a depression such as mine could never go away. He questions my every decision, my every motive, and gleefully shouts when my prayer is lacking. He guilts and he lies, he screams of blood and he paints winding trails of toxin into my mind. He attacks every single thing about me, even down to this very blog.

”Who are you to be writing about Jesus?” he asks. ”You haven’t even read the entire Bible. You’re not a preacher. You aren’t a certified Bible scholar. Who would even listen to you anyways? No one will read it. No. One. Cares.”

It’s been a month since I’ve written a blog post.

This evening at church, there was a beautiful altar moment, a time of praise and of prayer and of renewal for this new year of 2021. The pastor said that the Lord put it on his heart to pray for the young adults whom Jesus had filled with purpose. I knew that he was speaking to me. For days now, the Lord has put it on my heart to continue with Turning Heads Blog. The young adults who felt called to do so were invited up to the altar to praise the Lord and pray for momentum in their God-given purpose. Just as I was about to turn the walk up the aisle and praise Jesus, the adversary whispered into my ear. ”Don’t go,” he said. I stayed, counting up every flimsy reason not to go in my head.

Minutes into the worship, the pastor spoke once more. ”The Spirit has called me to invite you once more. Come to the altar and worship the Lord. The Holy Spirit has put it on my heart that a single individual, a young adult male or female, feels called to the altar with a God-given vision, a purpose on their heart. I invite you, whatever is holding you back, let it go and come worship Jesus.”

My feet stepped forward - I knew the pastor had to be talking about me. Yet just as quickly as I felt a flutter in my chest, I was pulled back into my seat with every sense of fear and anxiety. Shame filled my being, my entire body racked with guilt and self-loathing. ”Imposter.” The devil’s voice came back to me, slithering and cold. ”How can you call yourself a believer if you can’t stand up in front of a room of believers and worship your King?”

Even now, I am battling the shame that remains in my gut. I still face the lies of the enemy, his cold fingers wrapped tight around my mind in every attempt to poison my mental health with his venomous attacks. Yet through everything I know this: Jesus is a King of mercy. The Lord’s compassions are new every morning, and with His unfailing love, He carries an unending grace.

Lord Jesus, thank you for your promises of infinite mercy. You are so righteous, so absolutely perfect in every way that I can never compare. I am only human, and as Christ-like as I try to be, I know I will always fall short. Yet Jesus, through it all, I know that I can trust your grace. Lord, as David prays, so do I: ”Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.” (Psalms 51:1-2) Jesus, I know that I will continue to sin. Yet I pray in your name, Jesus, that you protect me with angel armies and fight against the adversary for my mental health. Create a shield around me, a safeguard of guardians to protect me from the devil’s lies as You fight these battles for me. Thank you for all that you are. Thank you for your unending love and your amazing grace. In Jesus’ name, amen.